if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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