This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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