She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
