I wish I only lived at night.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
