he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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