im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
