this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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