Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
