I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
