the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize