All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She even gives head with a lisp.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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