I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
