new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
