Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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