The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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