**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
