She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
this just has baby written all over it
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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