the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
