I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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