I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
