I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
