I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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