Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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