We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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