i think my tv is drunk
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
