His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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