someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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