I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was like eating out sand paper
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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