i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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