Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
