Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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