mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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