nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Randomize
