I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
