wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
