the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
