if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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