I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
