We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
