John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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