Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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