Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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