I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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