my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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