Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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