He asked me if I "almost moaned"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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