im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
