I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize