is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
