fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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