At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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