if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
