i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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