Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
