the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
