She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
