All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
