that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
