At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
