Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize