Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
